I still see it so clearly in my mind, that famous scene from the movie “My Cousin Vinny” where Marisa Tomei’s character, Mona Lisa Vito dressed in a skintight floral one-piece body suit with 3-inch black ankle boots, bangs her foot against the wooden floor of their cabin deck, declaring to her boyfriend Vinny, “My biological clock is TICKING LIKE THIS…”.
I first saw that movie when I was 19 years old, so thanks to Mona Lisa Vito, for my entire adult life, I have been acutely aware of my ‘biological-baby-making-clock’ and that one day my clock would stop ticking.
My mom was diagnosed with colon cancer when I was 40 years old. It was then I fully realized my desire to have children and how important it was for me that my children know my parents. What I didn’t know at the time was that it was already too late for me. The truth was, I had less than a 5% chance of having a biological child when I started, and that number dwindled exponentially every year I grew older.
When my mom died 2 years and 7 months later, I was already knee-deep in fertility treatments. To date, my journey has involved – thousands of hours in waiting rooms and operatories, hundreds of doctor’s visits, countless ultrasounds, multiple saline sonograms and hysteroscopies, blood draws, shots, synthetic hormones, tons of meds, genetic testing, embryo testing, mental health testing, couples counseling, therapy, many failed IVF attempts, lawyers, paperwork, contracts, six transfers, one miscarriage, and the supportive protocol of cleanses, herbs, acupuncture, massage, naturopathy, all of which my insurance didn’t cover. I can’t leave out the many psychics, astrologists, mediums, shamans, and energy clearing appointments I undertook, as well as two home refinances, and hundreds of thousands of dollars spent, all in the hopes of having a child.
For years, my fertility doctor would mention that she could get me pregnant much quicker if I went the donor egg route. So, after 5 years of trying with my own eggs, I finally broke down and let in the slightest bit of thought around what it would be like to have a donor-conceived child. Leaving that appointment, my doctor handed me a list of phone numbers to many egg donor companies.
It took me 6 more months to make that first phone call to the first company listed on that piece of paper. Making that call marked a significant milestone in my memory. I vividly recall driving west on the I-10 freeway in Los Angeles, CA, with my friend Katie. She not only recommended my fertility doctor but also became my confidante throughout the entire experience. Katie said, “Give me that list I’m calling one of them right now.” While driving, I reached for the piece of paper I carried with me everywhere.
That night I went home and logged on to their site and immediately felt like I was internet dating. I skimmed through many young women’s profiles stating their interests, where they live, their education, if they have kids, a spouse, a boyfriend, or girlfriend, if they like animals, which sports they play, hobbies they have, their favorite quotes, movies, what genetic and medical ailments they carry, what medical issues close family members have, whether they’re a first-time donor, the reason they want to donate, their donation fee, the list goes on.
I found myself wondering, how am I ever going to make this life-changing decision?
There are many routes one can take when considering the use of donor eggs. Different agencies and companies offer various options, such as choosing a fresh cycle from a specific donor or selecting a more cost-effective and expedited choice of a frozen lot containing 6-8 eggs from an egg bank. Some providers offer a ‘multiple attempts guarantee’ bundled into a single comprehensive price. Additionally, many fertility doctors provide in-house services, while some families opt to travel abroad—perhaps to Greece—for the entire procedure, which is a more budget-friendly alternative compared to the United States.
What I chose was to find one person and receive all the eggs from one stimulated cycle. In the following weeks, I called all the companies on the list and examined every profile for women who shared similarities with my Norwegian and French heritage.
As I sifted through countless profiles, the persistent question lingered. How could I establish that genetic connection with my child? Ideas arose, like using the same donor egg with my partner’s sperm for our first child and maybe my dad’s or brother’s sperm for the second. Could a family member provide an egg? With cousins in France and Norway, the possibility surfaced. Yet, reaching out to family members, even those I barely knew, raised numerous questions. What would I say? What compensation would be fair? Do I fly them here, and if so, for how long? What if they say no, would it be weird? The complexities of these thoughts remained constant in my mind throughout the entire process.
After narrowing down the profiles to my top 40, I decided to throw a “Donor Egg Party”. I invited a bunch of friends over and they all supported me as we went through my favorites.
The day after my party, I was still at a loss with whom I should choose. I attempted to enlist my partner’s help, but he was uncomfortable with the entire donor selection process. I think he just wanted it all to happen miraculously. It was clear to me that I had to steer this ship alone, this was my contribution to my child, and the ultimate decision was up to me.
While checking my email, one of the last companies I had been playing phone tag with, sent me login credentials to their site and a short list of women they believed might be a good fit for me. That’s where I found “The One”. I don’t know if I was so broken down by that point or if she really did check most of the boxes. Maybe it was a little bit of both, but that didn’t matter anymore; I had found her, and I was ready to put a deposit down. At that moment I accepted that in this lifetime, I would never have a genetic connection to my child, and that was okay with me.
Three weeks later… Covid struck.
After lockdown lifted, in December of 2020 my donor flew to Los Angeles and my doctor retrieved 22 eggs. Using only my partner’s sperm, we ended up with 14 embryos that made it to day 5. Of
the surviving 14 embryos, 12 of them qualified for PGS testing (pre-implantation genetic screening). After testing, 10 embryos were deemed usable.
In February 2021, during a work trip to New York City, I had a dream about a polar bear who handed me a plastic card bearing two embryos—one labeled #3, the other #DS5396whatever. I took embryo #3 and placed it in my vagina. In that surreal moment, I instantly felt like I was pregnant! The dream felt so real that I jolted awake, promptly writing down the details to ensure I wouldn’t forget the dream and the significance of #3. 
When I returned from New York, I went to see my doctor to finally start my very first transfer round and asked her if she could share the embryo testing results with me. As fate would have it, #3 turned out to be our highest graded embryo, a 5AA male, and that’s who we ended up going with. I always say my son visited me in a dream and because of that dream, I never had a doubt that embryo #3 (who bore the name “Tres” aka “Trace” in utero) wouldn’t make it to the finish line.
In 2021, after 8 long years of riding the fertility rollercoaster, I finally gave birth to my son, thanks to the help of a 29-year-old donor egg. He is the love of my life and the light in my heart. I feel so connected to him, when I see him trip or tumble, I feel it in my body. I always say, “He may be 50% daddy, but really, he’s 100% mommy”, because without everything I went through, he simply wouldn’t be.
With infertility on the rise in younger people and older couples waiting longer to have children, donor use in fertility is spiking, and it’s much more common than one would think. We’re constantly hearing about women having kids in their 40’s and 50’s but what we don’t hear is how they used a donor to get there. It’s this lack of sharing that is giving the generations to come, the same false hopes that I had of thinking—of course I can have my own biological kids whenever I want them, there’s been so many advancements in fertility. I’m here to tell you, don’t believe the hype.
For years, I’ve been documenting my experience with the aim of creating a roadmap for those who are led down a similar path. Along the way, I’ve connected with dozens of families willing to share their stories of creating families through donor assistance. Currently, I’m in the fundraising stages of production for ‘Donorable,’ a docuseries that, within the next year or two, will hopefully be on a screen you own.
Until then, if having children is something you desire, I hope your clocks are still ticking, but if they’re not, it’s okay to be Donorable.
Tracy Hellerud is a showrunner, executive producer, and television industry vet that has worked on tons of your favorite shows like; Teen Mom, 16 & Pregnant, Are You The One? Reunion specials and aftershows, many Live MTV New Year’s Eve specials, and mtvU’s flagship indie college music awards show, The Woodie Awards. The list goes on!
